RELATIONSHIPS

How To Have A Good Divorce

Not every love story ends happily ever after, but that doesn’t have to spell drama and distress. Here’s how to navigate money, assets and family life when conscious uncoupling is the only option.

WORDS BY Zahra Khozema

RELATIONSHIPS

How To Have A Good Divorce

Not every love story ends happily ever after, but that doesn’t have to spell drama and distress. Here’s how to navigate money, assets and family life when conscious uncoupling is the only option.

WORDS BY Zahra Khozema

Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not the statistical inevitability it’s often made out to be. According to a 2024 report by the Vanier Institute of the Family, 2020 recorded the lowest number of divorces since 1973. This was partly linked to pandemic-related court delays and the fact that fewer people are getting married in the first place. So, maybe not quite a victory for the institution of marriage.

Still, divorce remains a reality for tens of thousands of Canadians each year—especially for couples in their 50s and beyond. Known as “grey divorce,” these later-life separations involve decades of shared finances, property and the weight of family decisions. For those navigating it, the emotional upheaval is often matched by financial complexity. Untangling shared money, protecting long-term security and figuring out how to move forward without undermining the future can feel overwhelming, especially when there is a home to divide, children to support and lives that were not designed for separation.

For Jackie Porter, a Mississauga-based certified financial planner and founder of the eponymous financial advising company, the earliest stages of separation are often the most financially vulnerable, and that “financial vulnerability can very quickly become emotional vulnerability,” she says.

During the divorce process, the first thing she thinks about is financial safety and security. Before lawyers are engaged, properties are listed or custody schedules are drafted, she urges clients to focus on creating financial independence away from the relationship.

That process should start quietly. She advises clients to open an individual bank account in their own name if they don’t already have one and begin to direct money there, ideally building three-to-six months worth of accessible cash. Passwords for banking and investment accounts should also be changed. Credit is another early concern and Porter encourages clients to check their credit reports as soon as possible, since many landlords require a strong credit score before approving a rental.

Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not the statistical inevitability it’s often made out to be. According to a 2024 report by the Vanier Institute of the Family, 2020 recorded the lowest number of divorces since 1973. This was partly linked to pandemic-related court delays and the fact that fewer people are getting married in the first place. So, maybe not quite a victory for the institution of marriage.

Still, divorce remains a reality for tens of thousands of Canadians each year—especially for couples in their 50s and beyond. Known as “grey divorce,” these later-life separations involve decades of shared finances, property and the weight of family decisions. For those navigating it, the emotional upheaval is often matched by financial complexity. Untangling shared money, protecting long-term security and figuring out how to move forward without undermining the future can feel overwhelming, especially when there is a home to divide, children to support and lives that were not designed for separation.

For Jackie Porter, a Mississauga-based certified financial planner and founder of the eponymous financial advising company, the earliest stages of separation are often the most financially vulnerable, and that “financial vulnerability can very quickly become emotional vulnerability,” she says.

During the divorce process, the first thing she thinks about is financial safety and security. Before lawyers are engaged, properties are listed or custody schedules are drafted, she urges clients to focus on creating financial independence away from the relationship.

That process should start quietly. She advises clients to open an individual bank account in their own name if they don’t already have one and begin to direct money there, ideally building three-to-six months worth of accessible cash. Passwords for banking and investment accounts should also be changed. Credit is another early concern and Porter encourages clients to check their credit reports as soon as possible, since many landlords require a strong credit score before approving a rental.

Untangling Shared Finances Porter says divorce requires a separation of financial lives. Joint lines of credit, credit cards and loans must be addressed quickly. She recommends freezing or reducing shared credit limits to prevent one partner from taking on new joint liabilities during separation. Insurance and estate planning are also critical. Life insurance policies, beneficiaries and powers of attorney often require updates, particularly when children are involved.

For households accustomed to a high standard of living, the adjustment can be stark, Porter says, especially since two homes cost more than one and income that once supported a shared lifestyle now has to stretch further. As a result, realistic post-divorce budgeting is essential, especially for those who previously delegated financial management to a partner.

Love It or List It For many couples, the family home is the largest shared asset and the most emotionally charged decision in a divorce. Andrea Caskey, a Toronto-based family lawyer and collaborative practitioner, estimates that roughly 60 per cent of her clients try to keep their matrimonial home to maintain stability for children. But selling is common when an agreement cannot be reached.

One of the goals is usually to keep the home so children can stay in the same school district and community, she says, but that goal must be weighed against financial reality. Buying out a spouse requires sufficient income and borrowing capacity, and separation divides net worth in half. “We have to be realistic about whether it’s financially feasible to stay in the house and buy out the other spouse,” Caskey says.

She often sees one spouse rent nearby with the goal of buying again, with negotiations centred on how long that transition might take and what it means for the children and parenting time. While her high-net-worth clients can usually afford to buy in the same neighbourhood, those in the middle sometimes struggle to find something suitable nearby, “so people are moving to places just outside that neighbourhood,” she says.

When couples cannot agree on value or terms, the default outcome is likely a sale: “If you’re both on title and can’t agree on a buyout, the house will likely be ordered sold by a judge,” she says.

Some couples explore interim arrangements, such as nesting (when the children stay in the familial home and the parents switch in and out) or remaining jointly on title for a defined period, although Caskey says these are rarely permanent situations: “I don’t think it’s a long-term solution to remain in the same home, even in separate parts of the home. I think that can be challenging.”

Caskey advises couples to start discussing property early, alongside full financial disclosure. In Ontario, spouses must exchange detailed financial statements that outline their assets, liabilities and income before informed decisions can be made. Without that transparency, negotiations can stall.

There are also legal constraints that many overlook. In married couples, spousal consent is required to sell, mortgage or transfer the matrimonial home, even if only one spouse’s name is on title. “You both have possessory rights,” Caskey points out.

While legal rights and entitlements matter, Caskey says they are only part of the picture. Practical realities, from market conditions to affordability, also need to be considered. It’s not one size fits all, she says.

“I think sometimes people get stuck on one model, and they should try to keep their eyes and ears open to looking at different options that might satisfy some of their goals or address some of their concerns.”

When multiple properties are involved, such as cottages or rental units, priorities usually centre on the primary residence first—lifestyle properties are assessed based on affordability and whether they still make sense once households are divided.

We don’t know how to divorce. No one taught us. People think it’s simple, but it’s actually the hardest part.

Sidestepping Mistakes One of the most common mistakes Porter sees is partners demanding a separation before dealing with their finances. “[Spouses] could all of a sudden run up lines of credit, or take money out of investments, so getting prepared to separate is a crucial step that could really change the outcome.”

Another is negotiating financial settlements without fully understanding what they own or owe. She urges clients to gather documentation on assets, debts, income, insurance and investments early, not only for clarity but because lawyers and accountants will eventually require the same information.

Porter also cautions against minimizing one’s own financial needs in the name of keeping the peace. She often finds women negotiate away their finances because they don’t want to create problems for their family or social circle, but that can have long-term consequences. A 2022 study by the Melbourne Institute of Applied Economic and Social Research found that while a breakup reduces men’s disposable household income by approximately five per cent, women’s household income decreases by almost 30 per cent.

“[Divorce] will impact their ability to maintain the lifestyle they have,” Porter says. “Choosing the wrong partner and then having to divorce from them could literally mean poverty.”

Sidestepping Mistakes One of the most common mistakes Porter sees is partners demanding a separation before dealing with their finances. “[Spouses] could all of a sudden run up lines of credit, or take money out of investments, so getting prepared to separate is a crucial step that could really change the outcome.”

Another is negotiating financial settlements without fully understanding what they own or owe. She urges clients to gather documentation on assets, debts, income, insurance and investments early, not only for clarity but because lawyers and accountants will eventually require the same information.

Porter also cautions against minimizing one’s own financial needs in the name of keeping the peace. She often finds women negotiate away their finances because they don’t want to create problems for their family or social circle, but that can have long-term consequences. A 2022 study by the Melbourne Institute of Applied Economic and Social Research found that while a breakup reduces men’s disposable household income by approximately five per cent, women’s household income decreases by almost 30 per cent.

“[Divorce] will impact their ability to maintain the lifestyle they have,” Porter says. “Choosing the wrong partner and then having to divorce from them could literally mean poverty.”

Avoiding Co-Parenting Conflict Once finances and housing are addressed, the focus shifts to children and the realities of co-parenting. Ravit Rose is a Montreal-based divorce coach, founder of the Irooze Divorce Community and author of Unwanted Nasty Divorces, a guidebook to the do’s and don’ts of divorce (partly based on her own experiences after her marriage ended). She describes divorce as a behavioural transition as much as a legal one.

“We don’t know how to divorce. No one taught us,” Rose says. “People think it’s simple, but it’s actually the hardest part.”

Divorce, she explains, forces parents to dismantle one relationship and build another at the same time. Families go from one household, one set of rules and one shared mindset, to two homes, two routines and two ways of doing things, she says.

That transition requires parents to shift from being spouses to being co-parents, a change Rose says many people underestimate. “Don’t make the assumption that the way you were as husband-and-wife is the way you’re going to be as mother-and-father [after divorce],” she says, “because with two different houses, it’s automatically going to shift.”

Rose works with parents across Canada and emphasizes that there is no single model for co-parenting: some families collaborate closely, others practice parallel parenting and some simply coexist. What matters most is keeping decisions child-focused.

Consistency can help children feel grounded, but matching rules across households is not always realistic or necessary. Instead, Rose encourages parents to establish clear boundaries, communication strategies and decision-making frameworks early, ideally with professional support rather than relying on friends, family or online forums.

When parents react emotionally rather than strategically, conflict tends to escalate. “You want to get to the point where you’re responding rather than reacting,” she says, noting that unmanaged conflict often drives up legal fees and emotional stress.

Financial disagreements around children are particularly common, from private school and extracurriculars to travel and tutoring. When parents struggle to agree, Rose recommends involving a parenting specialist to help define roles and processes before disputes become entrenched.